For many parents I work with, the fear that sleep coaching will leave their child feeling rejected or unloved is on the top of their worry list.
I know the feeling well. I had the same worry when I taught my son Dylan to put himself to sleep years ago in my before-I-was-a-sleep coach life. I fretted for weeks about the message I’d be sending when I placed him in his never-before-slept-in crib and stopped the rocking, nursing and co-sleeping that we had both come to rely on to lull him to sleep and back to sleep throughout the night. I can remember being petrified that such a drastic change would shatter his trust in me and destroy our perfect bond.
My worries were compounded by the understanding that his frequent night wakings were wreaking havoc with his growth and development, as well as our family’s sense of well being. I agonized over whether he was ready for the change, made half-hearted attempts to undo the patterns that had led to his terrible sleep, and read every sleep book in the library searching for answers that made sense. When I finally decided to bite the bullet and move forward with a plan to teach him how to put himself to sleep, I only took a small amount of comfort in the idea that the gentle approach I was implementing would allow me to stay with him while he learned.
On the eighth day of coaching, after sleeping through the night for the first time in his two and a half year life, my son greeted me from his crib with a huge, open smile, and I knew in my heart that our bond was still intact. In some ways it felt even stronger. That smile, which he actually gave me every morning during the process (even when nights were rough) spoke volumes, and I’ll never forget the feeling of relief that washed over me when I realized that we had both made it through the transition unscathed.
I admit that our sleep coaching success was a touch bittersweet. A small part of me secretly mourned the loss of our middle of the night tete-a-tetes. But seeing my child’s beaming, well-rested face peeking up over the crib rail and watching with astonishment as he blossomed because of quality sleep was so miraculous that I knew the decision had been right and good.
I’m reminded of those moments often now as I coach other families towards a good night’s sleep. Most of them grapple with similar feelings every day, stressing about their parent /child bond. Sorting through mounds of information and feeling pressured to make the best choices for our families can make every decision daunting. I’ve been there and I understand. Some parents I meet with are determined and ready for coaching, some aren’t quite there yet and some move forward in spite of their fears. Others decide that sleep coaching, even in the gentlest form, will never be right for them. But for those that do move forward and get to see that smiling little face on sleep coaching success day, I couldn’t be happier. I still remember how that moment felt, and I’m smiling for them, too.
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